I had no plans to fight the dragon. Or of rescuing the princess. I didn't even know there was a princess until the dragon told me so. Perhaps I ought to start at the beginning. My name is Dee. And this is the story of my life.

It was a bright summer day when I found myself at the precipice with a herd of rhinos rushing towards me. Perhaps it had something to do with the magic rhino egg I stole. So I do the only logical thing to do under these circumstances - I jump off the cliff. And BAM! I land on my bottom. Hard. It hurts. Bad.

I find myself on the back of a fire-breathing dragon. The dragon roars and I squeal but I hold tight for that's the one place I know the dragon can't reach. After turning its neck this way and that, the dragon gives up and says, "Hey buddy, you win. You can have the princess. Mind getting off my back now? You're awfully heavy". "Oi! I so am not!". And I whack him with the magic rhino egg. And he turns into an apricot.

The dragon defeated, I enter the princess' bedchamber where she is fast asleep. So I do what all handsome princes do in fairy tales - I start making out with her. The princess wakes up, screams and whacks me with her umbrella. It hurts. Bad.

We return to the kingdom, where the king decides to get the two of us married. On our wedding night, the princess runs away with the best man. The best man turns out to be a leopard in disguise and eats her up. The king is devastated and sells me to a slave trader.

I end up an oarsman aboard a warship. The food isn't great, the work hours are long and there's always the threat of a being eaten alive by a sea creature.

After I retire from slavery, I move to a foreign country where I get myself a little house. I spend the rest of my days planting flowers and growing old - a very very cynical man. Kids make fun of me and call me a grouch. They ride their bicycles on my lawn and ruin my flowers. One night they break into my house and steal everything I own. Even my false teeth by the bedside. I die of starvation.

My name is Dee. And this is the story of my life.

Moral - A garlic a day keeps the vampire away.

By day, he was your average teenager in geeky glasses and by night, he was SooperDee - fighter of crime and upholder of justice. Like all superheroes, SooperDee had his own set of super powers. He could lift small objects, swim real fast and flick his tail in an enticing manner - which always caused the merchicks to get weak in their knees.

This story begins one fine day when SooperDee was out with the other merboys sitting atop the rock to watch the merchicks go by. He would wait on this rock every day after school until Muriel arrived. Muriel, daughter to King Neptune, was not the fairest of the merchicks, which explains why SooperDee had fallen deeply in love with her younger sister, Ariel.

Now, SooperDee had worked up a deal with Muriel. In exchange for a pebble, she'd tell him something new about Ariel every day. "She likes listening to the Beatles," Muriel had remarked the day before. And SooperDee had spent the whole day humming, Yellow submarine. After it became annoyingly repetitive he had switched to Lovely Rita.

Today, SooperDee again found himself trading a shiny pebble for another tidbit about Ariel. "She loves coconuts," said Muriel. "What in the world is a coconut?" wondered SooperDee, but he was out of pebbles and Muriel would tell no more. "Oh well," thought SooperDee, "Perhaps Kitty Kaht the fortune un-teller would know about such things."

"Peanuts," said Kitty while staring into the crystal ball and simultaneously gyrating to Stereophonics. "Er no, Coco-nuts," corrected SooperDee. "I meant," Kitty replied, "Pass me the peanuts." "Oh," said SooperDee and handed her a bowl of peanuts.

"I see a little merchild. Boy, you sure were cute as a kid!" said Kitty. "Well," blushed SooperDee, "I still am." "Of course Dahling," said Kitty and rolled her eyes, "Okay, about the coconut - It's big, it's green and it's found on trees."

"Wew, those trees sure are tall. And the coconut is waaay up there," thought SooperDee from the shallow waters, "I wonder how I'll get to it". And SooperDee swam towards the tree. Just as he reached the tree, a coconut fell on his head and knocked him out.

Meanwhile, the author of this little tale got distracted and lost his train of thought. He decided to skip directly to the part where SooperDee and Ariel get married and live happily ever after.

Moral - If you get too close to a tree, the coconut is bound to fall on your head.

It all started with a spark. 'yess! i'm alive!' said the first amoeba, 'la la la'. Nobody heard it - there wasn't anybody around. The earth was just one sloshy mass of molten rock, water and organic matter. 'helooooo,' said the amoeba, 'anybody there?' No reply. 'guess not. oh well...'

Since the amoeba had nothing much to do, it just kept gobbling up the organic matter. 'mmm. i feel so full. i think i'm going to burp' *BURP* And suddenly there were two of them! They looked at each other and grinned. The amoeba had just learnt to divide. 'wanna race,' said one. 'you're on!' the other replied. And the amoebas started gobbling up matter and dividing. Soon there were billions of them.

'this is boring,' said amoeba #1432 'all we do is eat and divide. i want to learn other stuff too.' So a bunch of them got together and evolved to form multicellular life. A billion years later, our planet was teeming with various life forms. One such life form was the caveman.

The caveman was different from the other animals. He was a lot less hairier, a whole lot smarter and looked a lot like an overgrown monkey on two legs - which is more or less what he was. Another difference was that he could speak. But the caveman hadn't developed much of a language as yet, so he spoke in grunts and oinks.

A two-syllable language gets quite confusing in a while and one tends to run out of words. So the caveman used the same words to mean different things in different contexts. Take 'oink, grunt, grunt' for example. If said while licking lips, it meant 'whats for dinner'. If said with hands on ones hips, it meant 'you forgot to put down the toilet slab again'.

This too got inconvenient as the caveman kept mixing up gestures. So more words and syllables were added and pretty soon the caveman had a working vocabulary. Soon he did discovered art. And he filled his wall with sketches of his life. But he was still a long way from discovering writing. It wasnt because he was lazy or dumb. But simply because he was busy trying to save himself from huge dinosaurs, saber-tooth tigers, and giant meteors.

Back then it was a harsh world. Just about everything that moved wanted to gobble him up. The discovery of fire and tools changed things.

To be continued ... (maybe)

Custom dictated that you wore a dress made of sea-weed and put on a shell necklace. Then you were to start hopping on your tail, flap your arms wildly and blow air bubbles. If you were lucky, the triplets would invite you into their cave. If you were unlucky, the giant octopus in the adjoining cave would have you for dinner.

It was a strange custom, quite embarrasing and made no sense. Dee felt like a fool. He prayed for the umpteenth time that none of his friends were around watching him. But then his thoughts went to Athena and his resolve strengthened. Athena was the most beautiful mermaid in all of Atlantis. And by Neptune! He had promised her the head of a giant water-slug.

Danielle, Denise and Dorothy looked at him through the window. They had been born identical triplets, but then Dorothy had carelessly gone and grown exceedingly fat, so now the trio resembled one set of identical twins and one blobby looking creature with beady eyes and a constant aura of recently eaten fudge. The triplets looked at each other, nodded and motioned Dee in.

"Hail great Oracles," Dee said and bowed.
"What do you want?" said Danielle.
"I would like to behead a giant water-slug and take its head as a trophy for Athena," said Dee.
"Then you'll have to learn slug-speak," said Danielle. And she mumbled a string of ancient words. Suddenly a bone-less yellow fish appeared which swam and lodged itself in Dee's ear. "There, now you should be able to speak and understand slug-speak."
"And you'll also need this," said Denise. And she put down a thin long sword. Dee thanked her and pocketed the sword.

Dee looked at Dorothy. She seemed to be more interested in rapidly consuming a sponge cake. Dee looked at the other sisters. They shrugged and rolled their eyes. Dee left the cave.

After travelling for 7 days and 7 nights, he spotted what looked like slime. "Aha! Slug tracks!" It wasn't long before Dee found the giant water-slug. It was coughing up snot-balls. "(Eeew! What a disgusting thing to do!)" said Dee. Well he tried saying that, but what came out of his mouth was "GOOOM! GOOM GOOM GOOM GOOM". But for the sake of the readers, slug-speak will be translated into English.

"(H-e-l-l-o! We are water-slugs. We are meant to be disgusting)" said Slug.
"(Yeah well, whatever. I've come here to behead you)" said Dee.
"(Why would you want to do that?)" said Slug.
"(Well I promised this girl back home that I'd get her a the head of a giant slug. So may I? Pleeeze? Pretty Please? With cherry on top?)" said Dee.
"(Oh, okay then)" said Slug and he brought his head down.
"(What? Aren't you going to get mad and fight in a violent rage?)" said Dee.
"(Yeah, I would've. But you said the magic word. Besides you are kind of cute. And the writer of this story will never let me win. MEANIE BEANIE!)" said Slug.
"(Oi! The writer happens to be a very nice person. He isn't mean!)" said Dee.
"(Is too)" said Slug.
"(Is Not)" said Dee.
"(Is too! too, too, too)" said Slug.
"(Okay, you win)" said Dee and chopped his head off.

He returned to Atlantis with the head of the giant water-slug. Athena was happy to see him and took him out for coffee, food and a movie.

I won!

This is the story I wrote for Athena's Water Contest. And I WON! :D. So everybody clap for me =D>. And while you are at it, you can all go tell Athena what a fine young lady she is and remind her that I love chocolates, books, stuffed toys and music cds.

I found him sitting on the lowest branch of a mango tree suffering from acute indigestion. He was holding his hands against his stomach, looked quite green and smelled much like people do when they've been repeatedly throwing up.

The first emotion I felt was of utmost amazement. Amazement, for that was no ordinary mango tree - it had a gigantic trunk and massive branches which were quite high from the ground. By all standards that tree was quite unscalable without special equipment. And yet there he was sitting on that branch with his legs dangling below him.

My gaze turned to my cousion and amazement turned to horror. Not the oh-my-god-I'm-going-to-be-eaten-by-a-monster kind of horror but the oh-my-god-he's-going-to-puke-and-I'm-right-below-him kind of horror. And its fear that makes a man do the most amazing things - like a hard dive to your left thus missing the onslaught of freshly regurgitated liquid matter.

I fell on my left shoulder, muttered an obscenity when it hurt and then yelled, "Oi! What in the Lords name are you doing up there? Aren't you supposed to be getting married in - I looked at my watch - under an hour!" My words rang in my ears and suddenly I understood.

Understanding is a queer phenomenon. Some things are very easy to understand, like when a bully goes "Pay up Twinky, or I'll punch you in the nose". Some things are take a little more time, like the golf joke you heard at work but only understood on your way home and then laughed like crazy causing all the people in the elevator to feel really concerned about your mental health. Then there are things that you never understand - like relativity or women.

My understanding falls into the category where a tiny voice in my head jumps up and says, "Didn't you hear what you said, Stupid?". Yeah, I hear a tiny voice in my head. I call it Ted. Ted is real nice at times - like when it does a jig or takes the shape of a tiny frog wearing a yellow raincoat just to cheer me up. Ted is naughty at times - like when he ... er ... never mind :">. And then sometimes Ted is really mean like when it makes me believe I'm trapped all alone in a room with Michael Jackson. And that's when I start flailing my arms about and shrieking.

My family has a long history of marriage induced illnesses which magically manifest themselves just a few hours before marriage. What's stranger is that they only affect the about-to-be-married male. One train of thought among the scholars in my family is that it has something to do with the early caveman genes wanting to keep their 'I want to dominate' status. Another train of thought among them is ... (Got to sleep. May continue this post later)

Huge castles, tall towers and formidable fortresses. That is how people describe Salencia. It is the city of the free men of the north.

Dee stood at the gates of Salencia and looked in awe at the huge city before him. As a kid, he had heard many tales of this city from his grandfather. They would sleep out in the grass during summers looking at the stars in the sky. Occasionally, grandpa would tell him stories, mostly about sheep and rabbits. But sometimes the old man's eyes would mist over as he recalled tales of a distant past. It was then that he'd talk about himself - and about Salencia.

Salencia was the city of Grandpa's birth. Born to the Order of Knights, he was sworn to protect it. And protected it he had against the invading dark hordes of the east. Dee would listen to these tales with awe and his eyes would go round like saucers. Grandpa told him in whispers how as a young man, he had fought against the invaders, how the city had been nearly destroyed then, how they had stopped the invaders just short of the palace, and how everything had burned for days.

Dee lived with his grandpa in the country with the sheep. Grandpa had retired from the Order and had moved to the countryside after Dee had been born. He became a shepherd and tended to his sheep. Now that Dee had grown up he helped grandpa with the sheep.

It was a sad day when Grandpa took ill. Suffering from feverish fits, he called Dee to his bedside and whispered, "There is something that I never told you. This is the key to the chest under my bed. It belonged to your father. You will find a letter there. It will tell you more ..." Saying that, Grandpa passed away.

After his grandpa was cremated, Dee cried for days. Finally he remembered the key his grandpa had given him. It looked stranger that any key he had seen. Why did it glint in the candlelight so? Dee rubbed the key against the cuffs of his tattered tunic. When the dirt and grime came off he could see that it had a dull yellow shine.

Dee pulled the heavy chest out from underneath the bed. The key turned easily in the lock and the chest opened to reveal the black armour of a knight! There was something strange about the armour though. Even though it looked smooth, it didn't seem to reflect any light. Even when Dee brought his candle near it tried to see his face in it, he couldn't see anything. It was as if the armour swallowed light! Laid down beside the armour was a heavy cloth bag which jingled when shook. Next to that was a broadsword - the most impressive one he had ever seen. When he drew the sword out of the scabbard, it slid out without a sound. The sword was amazingly light and it had a blade so fine that you couldn't hear it when you swished it. Looking closer, Dee saw that the hilt of the sword bore the emblem of the Order of Knights and the words "Orcus Silentia". The Silent Killer - The sword of the Legendary Death Knight!

Suddenly everything seemed awfully quiet. The crickets which always chirped loudly at night had stopped chirping and the wind which blew against the leaves had ceased to blow. It was like the world had come to a still, waiting silently, watching. Dee felt a shiver run down his spine. He had heard of the Death Knight and how he had killed the leader of the dark invaders and brought an end to the invasion. He had heard of Orcus Silentia and how many a man had fallen before it. He had heard how the Death Knight had presented the king with his shield after the last of the horde had dispersed and then disappeared without a trace. The shield was still said to grace the main hall of the Imperial Palace.

Could his father have been ... That thought remained incomplete in his head. Dee tried to recall everything he knew about his father. Grandpa hadn't spoken a lot about him. All he knew were tidbits from occasional references. All that he had been told was that his father had died in that great war. And then there was talk about a prophecy of some sort. Dee had never paid any attention to it. But now ...

It was then that Dee's eyes fell on an envelope sealed in red wax. With trembling hands he opened the letter. It read:
"The prophecy of the Death Knight"
[REST WITHHELD TO AVOID GIVING AWAY THE STORY]

And so according to the instructions in the letter, he packed everything he had in a bag and placed both chest and bag in his donkey cart. Thus began the journey to Salencia. Dee travelled for days and finally reached the entrance of the great city.

Entering the gates, Dee saw sights he had never seen before. Colourfully dressed people were moving about everywhere and everything looked so exquisite. He looked around for an inn he could stay in for a few days until he could get ready for the next stage. He spotted a sign in the distance saying "The Sleepy Inn". He turned his donkey in that direction but the animal seemed to have other plans. The donkey had spotted a garden of carrots and lettuces in the distance and moved towards it. Donkeys can be really stubborn at times and no matter how hard Dee tried to veer it, it simply went for that garden. Dee decided to give in and let the donkey guide it to the garden. Poor animal must've been hungry. Dee felt hungry too and it had been a long time since he'd had any food.

As he neared the garden, Dee saw that it was attached to the most magnificent house he had ever seen. It looked more like a tiny palace! It was huge and went really high, higher than the tallest trees. Dee stared in wonder. He felt dwarfed and little and as he looked at the curtains which laced the windows, he could tell that they were made of a very fine cloth indeed. He looked at his own clothes and how they looked wretched in comparison. But the donkey had to be fed. So he braved the steps to the door and yelled, "Is anybody home?" Nobody seemed to answer. He looked around for a door-knocker but saw none. That's when he saw a chain like thing hanging above him. Dee shrugged and tugged at it.

DING DONG! The sound echoed through the house ...

A moment later Dee could hear the patter of feet. The door opened and Dee looked up. She was clad in a lemon coloured garb. She had dainty feet and delicate hands. And a face that look his breath away. But that wasn't what he was staring at. Those eyes! It was all he could see. He had never seen eyes as pwitty as those before. Dark like the night sky with a slight twinkle that felt like the reflection of the moon in still waters. It reminded him of something he had read in the letter. And he fainted ...

This story is about an year old. It started with Dee's cousin calling him up. Lets call her Cuz for the rest of this story. "I've got something to show you. You've got to come over right now," Cuz squealed in excitement. Dee had heard that sound before.

A long long time ago, when dinosaurs roamed the planet and Dee still rode on tricycles and played with bright blue balloons, that sound would excite Dee as it would mean presents and birthdays. But lately, with all his cousins growing up and getting real naughty, it meant nothing but misery.

"What do you want to show me?" I asked cautiously, upping my guard. "I'm not going to tell you. Come here and see for yourself. Cccccome noooo!" she begged in an oh-i'm-so-excited-that-i'll-burst-if-i-don't-show-someone kind of voice.

Now, Dee had grown up on video games. His favourite was one where he rescues a princess from evil monkeys. Don't be surprised if you find a Dee rushing off to aid damsels in distress, or, for that matter, super excited cousins.

So I put on my shining armour, hopped on my trusty steed and galloped off into the wild. (By that, I mean, I donned my favourite tee-shirt and jeans and hopped into a red BEST bus). When I reached her place, she dragged me inside. As I was on my way in, I heard other voices chattering and squealing. "Oh great!" I told myself, "Another one of her all-girl-and-I'm-the-only-guy parties." But when I reached the living room, I realized how wrong I was. I wasn't the only guy around. I found a bunch of girls circled around what seemed to be an itty bitty puppy!

Now, Dees love all kinds of animals - as long as they are in zoos, aquariums or behind the TV screen. He loves watching nature channels as most of them are quite informative and a source of big words. Take ipecacuanha for instance. Did you know that it is the root of a South American shrub used as an emetic and purgative?

Anyway, Dee saw the puppy, the girls saw him, and now all of them wanted him to touch it. Normally, a Dee wouldn't touch a puppy if he didn't have to, but this time - with all the girls about - there was an image to keep. So he bent over and all of a sudden, "SNISH!" the puppy sneezed and then went, "SNIFF". Dee straightened up immediately . He opened his mouth to make an excuse for not touching it; but sensing all eyes on him, he closed it again. And he bent down again and touched the puppy. (Later, he washed his hands with a lot of soap, but that's another story).

The rest of the evening went brilliantly (in case you didn't realize, I'm being sarcastic) - with a terrified me forced to hold an even more terrified puppy. Yep! The puppy looked terrified. It would whine from time to time and shiver occasionally. I guess it wasn't used to all the chattering and attention.

I don't know why, but when you put a bunch of girls together, three things happen:

1. They start chattering in no time.
2. The chatter soon turns to giggles with occasional peals of laughter.
3. Even though I'm there and listening to every word of it, I don't understand a thing.

Reminds me of a show I saw on Natural Geographic on the baboons of the Kalahari.

Getting on with the story: with nothing else to do, I decided to focus my attention on the itty bitty puppy. Initially I was rather hesitant, but in time we got used to each other and the cute little fellow was really interesting. He still sneezed from time to time, but I would hold my breath when he did that. (Sick animals do have a way of training you for deep sea diving, don't they?).

Giggling girls and sick puppies :|. Not exactly how I had planned on spending my evening. But when it was finally time to leave, I had made an adorable little friend.

Cuz named him Caesar. I always considered it an odd name for a dog until he proved it otherwise. The other day while I was working at her computer (er, playing quake), Caesar happened to trot into the room. True to his name,

He came, He saw, and He peed all over my pants.